Bismillah

Below is a concise article I wanted to share with everyone. The author, Jenna Solorio, has been generous enough to share this with me for my blog as part of an on-going effort to educate Muslims on domestic violence.

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Domestic Abuse

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”

Allah (swt) gives us laws and rules on how we should treat each other. Unfortunately there are times we transgress those laws, and one way do it is through Abuse.

Domestic Violence: What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear this term?

Usually the first thought that pops up in our minds is that of a man beating on a woman or something along those lines.

But are you aware that Domestic Abuse can be manifested in different ways? Are you aware that Domestic Abuse happens to men?

First let us define Domestic Abuse:

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline* (see link below):

Domestic Abuse is defined as “A pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.”

And that control can come in different forms:

• Physical (Actual hitting or battering)
  
• Emotional (Purposely hurting someone’s feelings)
  
• Spiritual (Hurting their self-esteem, or sense of self-worth, breaking their inner spirit)
  
• Sexual (forcing/withholding intimacy)
  
• Financial (withholding financial support and not including the person in the finances)
  
• Verbal (using language/words to hurt the other person)

Abusers (Male or Female) use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as their possession.
  
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
  
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on them, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. They may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.
  
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
  
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.
  
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. They will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Signs that you are in an Abusive Relationship:

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most revealing sign of domestic abuse is fear of your partner.  If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, as well as having feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

The key is awareness.

How can we change something that we do not understand and are unable to recognize?

* http://www.ndvh.org/ (This is a great resource if you are currently in an a domestic abuse situation)

Jenna Solorio

Certified Abuse Counselor

Currently working on online workshops, events and private sessions that will reach out to Muslims who have gone through abuse.

Look out for her website coming soon. www.jennasolorio.com

“..My husband started drinking then, and became an alcoholic and abuser. During that hard time, I then got pregnant with my son, and that was a tough time. We all have  hard times. Financially, no money, no food, and I was pregnant. It was also a tough time. I was 19 or 20, with two kids, with no speaking English, I knew no one, no job, and an abusive husband.

In the daytime was two bottles of beer, and after that he would use heavy drink until midnight. He would come, beat me “why are you sleeping.”

Sometimes he kicked me  out on a rainy day, with a baby in my lap. Spending the night in the stairs…” – narrated by interview

I have had an amazing opportunity to interview different Muslim women from various backgrounds, searching for the experience, wisdom, and knowledge they have from their rich and vibrant lives. As with many people, we all have hardships, trials, and tests that has been sent our way.

One such sister, who’s story you just read at the top, moved me greatly. Her story is a tragic one, no doubt. At the same time, she has also become a success story, learning about herself, growing in her faith, and now being willing to share her story with others, specifically a group of teenage girls where she was interviewed, of her advice on living a better life. She remarried, has a wonderful husband, and now is a mother of  4 children masha’Allah.

When looking to write a post about this subject, I found within her story an answer I wanted so much to convey, so without edit, here is her reply when she was asked what is one thing in life she regrets:

“When my ex-husband was abusing me, I asked myself. “why I didn’t get help, call the police, why I kept letting him abusing me?” I never called the police, I never told anybody. When he beat me up, my face got scratchy. No one could see me, I put on a lot of make-up, And the neighbors couldn’t see me. And I asked “why did I do that? Why didn’t I call the police, and put him in jail?”

That is my culture. Muslim culture is (should be)  totally different. Listen to me. One day, you will  be married. If your husband abuses you one time, don’t be quiet. First call the family, and tell them, your son is abusing me. If he doesn’t listen, call the police on them. That’s why I am always thinking “why is he abusing me a lot and I didn’t call the police?”

Culture is good, but don’t let it lead to abuse. In my culture, we were told “whatever your inlaws, your husband say, you don’t say nothing. Don’t talk back to them, you must respect them no matter what they do.” This is always what our parents told us….

No, this is wrong. I don’t want this for my daughter. This is not ok, you must stand up… “

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SubhanAllah. Many women will stay in an abusive marriage for years suffering because of culture. Their children watch and hear them get abused, if not getting abused themselves. The woman is a prisoner in her own home and she keeps handling this over and over again  – and the question for everyone is why?

In the survey I did, the “why” gets answered.

No matter the why, though, this woman I interviewed desires so much to not let anyone else go through years of abuse for a false notion of honor in the eyes of people. There are many factors that contribute to the difficulty of leaving an abusive marriage, and cultural expectations is one of them in the Muslim community.

(We will discuss others in future post insha’Allah)

Action Steps:

1) If you or someone you know is being abused, speak to someone you can trust. Find a close friend, an imam, a therapist, or someone in your family.

2) Remember: you can call the police – but they cannot help you if you don’t help yourself.  No matter who someone is, if they are physically harming you or your children, its a crime, its illegal, and its haram, but you hold the power in your hands and voice as to whether it continues or not.

3)  Never look down upon yourself. We all go through tests and tribulations, but you are still important to Allah, special, and belong to Him. Allah is always there for you, turn to Him, seek His support, and remember the famous hadith “Tie your camel and trust in Allah.” There is always an action to be taken on your side too.

4) Allow Islam to guide your decisions, and not culture alone.

(coming up insha’Allah – how children, finances, beliefs, and emotions hold women back from leaving an abusive relationship)

Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem

As’salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Next month in the United States is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  Insha’Allah before I plan a few posts and a program on this topic, I could use your help!

Below is the link for an ANONYMOUS survey to be taken about domestic violence. It has only 5 questions, and will take only 2 minutes insha’Allah.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE pass this on to others. My goal is to survey at least 1000 women so please help me in this endeavor!

Jazakum Allahu Khairan!!!

Click Here to take survey <—————————