In the daytime was two bottles of beer, and after that he would use heavy drink until midnight. He would come, beat me “why are you sleeping.”

Sometimes he kicked me  out on a rainy day, with a baby in my lap. Spending the night in the stairs…” – narrated by interview

I have had an amazing opportunity to interview different Muslim women from various backgrounds, searching for the experience, wisdom, and knowledge they have from their rich and vibrant lives. As with many people, we all have hardships, trials, and tests that has been sent our way.

One such sister, who’s story you just read at the top, moved me greatly. Her story is a tragic one, no doubt. At the same time, she has also become a success story, learning about herself, growing in her faith, and now being willing to share her story with others, specifically a group of teenage girls where she was interviewed, of her advice on living a better life. She remarried, has a wonderful husband, and now is a mother of  4 children masha’Allah.

When looking to write a post about this subject, I found within her story an answer I wanted so much to convey, so without edit, here is her reply when she was asked what is one thing in life she regrets:

“When my ex-husband was abusing me, I asked myself. “why I didn’t get help, call the police, why I kept letting him abusing me?” I never called the police, I never told anybody. When he beat me up, my face got scratchy. No one could see me, I put on a lot of make-up, And the neighbors couldn’t see me. And I asked “why did I do that? Why didn’t I call the police, and put him in jail?”

That is my culture. Muslim culture is (should be)  totally different. Listen to me. One day, you will  be married. If your husband abuses you one time, don’t be quiet. First call the family, and tell them, your son is abusing me. If he doesn’t listen, call the police on them. That’s why I am always thinking “why is he abusing me a lot and I didn’t call the police?”

Culture is good, but don’t let it lead to abuse. In my culture, we were told “whatever your inlaws, your husband say, you don’t say nothing. Don’t talk back to them, you must respect them no matter what they do.” This is always what our parents told us….

No, this is wrong. I don’t want this for my daughter. This is not ok, you must stand up… “

*********************

SubhanAllah. Many women will stay in an abusive marriage for years suffering because of culture. Their children watch and hear them get abused, if not getting abused themselves. The woman is a prisoner in her own home and she keeps handling this over and over again  – and the question for everyone is why?

In the survey I did, the “why” gets answered.

No matter the why, though, this woman I interviewed desires so much to not let anyone else go through years of abuse for a false notion of honor in the eyes of people. There are many factors that contribute to the difficulty of leaving an abusive marriage, and cultural expectations is one of them in the Muslim community.

(We will discuss others in future post insha’Allah)

Action Steps:

1) If you or someone you know is being abused, speak to someone you can trust. Find a close friend, an imam, a therapist, or someone in your family.

2) Remember: you can call the police – but they cannot help you if you don’t help yourself.  No matter who someone is, if they are physically harming you or your children, its a crime, its illegal, and its haram, but you hold the power in your hands and voice as to whether it continues or not.

3)  Never look down upon yourself. We all go through tests and tribulations, but you are still important to Allah, special, and belong to Him. Allah is always there for you, turn to Him, seek His support, and remember the famous hadith “Tie your camel and trust in Allah.” There is always an action to be taken on your side too.

4) Allow Islam to guide your decisions, and not culture alone.

(coming up insha’Allah – how children, finances, beliefs, and emotions hold women back from leaving an abusive relationship)

I have this tendency to laugh or giggle in moments that are not necessarily happy, moments that should be serious. For example, I may be in a serious conversation, but giggle at the end of my phrases. For the first time ever I became aware of this when I was doing my coaching certification.  The other day I had a chance to become even more deeply aware of this trait and to discover what was underneath.

Many people suppress emotions without realizing it and as a result wear the face of many masks, but rarely allow their actions and expressions to match up their true and deepest emotions.

The result of doing this can lead to an endless list of issues. It could mean never learning how to open up and truly experience joy. It can create marital discord as one spouse or both are never able to articulate all of their deepest emotions leading to either a lack of intimacy or built up resentment. No matter which way you put it, not allowing ourselves to feel, truly feel, is cutting off an opportunity to be fully present in our moment. The message we send to ourselves internally is “Whatever I am feeling is wrong, and it must be stopped.” How we got that message is a different story, but through the years we have trained ourselves to force a response different then the real emotions present.

As I sat across from a teacher who teaches and heals in this amazing combination of holistic practice within the Sunnah, he asked me to slow down, to get in touch with the different physical sensations in my body, like my breathing and the placement of my hands.

I kept giggling quietly, feeling I could not stop. I apologized, telling him “I’m sorry, I can’t stop.”

With the same directness I usually dish out on my own coaching calls, he said “Yes you can. What would happen if you did not laugh?”

I paused, and said I am not sure. At that moment, almost at the same time his question came out of his mouth, I began to formulate the answer.

“You would cry.” he said confidently, yet softly.

And at that moment, I did indeed feel like crying.  Crying because I had come to explore something, to search for answers, and there was a sense of relief, of being understood and validated.

But I would not and could not cry. Because then I would be vulnerable.

I have coached countless sisters who have been in my shoes exactly. I have realized in my own self and hundreds of others that being vulnerable is one of the greatest risks we will ever take, and one of the most essential to living fully authentic and present in each moment.

Yet we are afraid to be vulnerable because somewhere in our lives we were hurt for “wearing our heart on our sleeves,” and as a result we changed.

Choosing to keep our feelings hidden, though, will bring about far greater consequences. Not just in our relationships, but even in our connection with Allah, ‘azawjel.

Allah knows, sees, and hears everything, and even with Him, we are afraid to share the contents of our heart, and make du’a from the deepest corners of our hearts.

How to Create Awareness of Your Emotions

1) If you happen to giggle and laugh to in strange moments – focus inwards and ask yourself “If I wasn’t laughing right now, what would I feel?”

2) When you are in a happy moment, ask yourself “Am I truly expressing my joy and happiness to its fullest level right now?”

3) When sad or hurt ask yourself “Am I letting someone close to me know exactly how I am feeling with no extra layers in between ?” so that you provide for them an opportunity to fix, support, love, or change.

No doubt, there is a balance that must be discovered between ourselves and people of what we will share of our innermost emotions. Yet at the same time we must learn that if any of our relationships are not where we want them to be, whether its with our children, spouses, parents, or friends, the very people we hold dear and the very people who should be a safe place to be vulnerable, then we must first look to ourselves to see how many masks we are wearing.

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Internal Communication Network Series pt.3

By Megan Wyatt

“Why can’t you ever remember to do the things I ask you? All I wanted was for you to pick up a few things from the grocery store on your way home from work. How hard can that be? You remember meetings and phone calls, or emails you have to reply to day and night for your company, but when it comes to something I ask you, you always forget. I’m sick and tired of doing everything around here and you never helping out at all!” said Iman as her husband Farhan walked in the door empty handed from work.

“Ok OK…I will go and get the things now. “ he replied looking a bit stunned at her state of anger and frustration.

“That’s not the point! I don’t want you to go and get things now! Just forget it!!” And with that Iman stormed upstairs, and slammed her bedroom door, sobbing on the way.

“Fine….FINE!” Farhan screamed back at her, as he proceeded to throw down his briefcase, and head to the living room to turn on the T.V.  Their children looked up silently from a puzzle they had been doing on the floor, and knowing not to speak, they glanced at each other, and proceeded to work so that they didn’t get yelled for something too.

Many couples argue weekly, if not daily, over things that, while minor, are emotionally charged.

This could be your marriage, someone you know, or even the state of other relationships you have with your family members close to you.  What is great about this problem is that it has a solution. What may have seemed like a never ending slew of arguments and fighting can and will come to an end when you discover the true message behind the emotions being played out.

Part of understanding how your Internal Communication Network functions is to realize over and over again that your emotions are transmitting a very specific message to you. Most people are so wrapped up in the emotion, they aren’t able to quiet down and understand what is really going on inside.

Why is this so important? Because if you can’t understand what you really need beneath all the surface issues and feelings, then you will continue to use “surface” problems as a way to express what you most desperately want. The problem with this, of course, is that you are transmitting another message to your partner instead of the one your own emotions were transmitting to you. Talk about a communication break down!! No wonder it is so hard for people to get out of fighting!

Let’s look at the example of Iman and Farhan at the beginning. Both of them decided to work with a coach to figure out how to solve their fighting and constant disagreements. Home life was becoming unbearable, and as a result, tension seemed to increase as the week went by. By the weekend, they would have a huge fight, make up on Sunday, and things would start all over again.

What was going on?

Their coach had them each replay this argument in their minds, and asked them to consider what the real message was that each of them was feeling inside. It took a few minutes of questioning and digging, but after 22 minutes to the dot, the truth came out.

Iman’s internal message was that she didn’t feel appreciated or special. All of her complaining and arguing was a desperate attempt to be comforted and validated for how much work she put in running their home.  Every time her husband forgot something, she chose to translate that to mean he didn’t care about her as much as work. She imagined that if she were special and truly valuable, she would be at the top of his list each day, and never miss a beat with her. More specifically, she missed the moments where he couldn’t wait to talk to her or see her, and when she felt that, nothing else mattered.

Farhan’s internal message was that he didn’t feel appreciated or significant. Yup! Pretty much the same thing as Iman. After working so hard all day, he felt exhausted leaving the office. His mind felt drained, but on his ride home he cheered up looking forward to an evening with his wife and children. When he saw her angry at him, he felt completely disrespected and totally underappreciated for all the hard work he put in day in and day put to provide for his family. He missed the moments where he could walk in the door, see his wife’s smile, and then be willing to catch the moon for her if she asked.

The challenge they were given, after learning how to tune in to the message behind the emotions, was to spend the next two weeks aiming to share their real wants and needs instead of the scapegoat comments they usually threw between one and other.

The result was a 180 degree change. It took both of them being willing to let their ego and pride fall away, and as a result, their communication not only improved, but the smile on Iman’s lips returned, and the softness in Farhan’s eyes came back. Feelings of love, respect, and appreciation flowed.

Don’t forget to note the effect all of this will have on their children too.

If a person doesn’t take the time to learn more about themselves, and what is going on internally, then they may be setting themselves up for many disappointments down the road.

Here are three things you can do to utilize your Internal Communication Network!

1)      Make a daily commitment to let go of false pride and be vulnerable. In vulnerability there is true strength, so express your real needs and wants instead of hurting someone else and hoping they “magically” figure out what you really need.

2)      Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Give yourself the time to digest a feeling until you understand it. The payoff will save LOTS of time in the end.

3)      Accept. There are no bad feelings or emotions, only bad actions. Do not resist your own needs or wants, nor of your spouse’s no matter how “illogical” it sounds.  When you let go of resistance, you allow yourself to truly articulate the real message in your emotions.

Ever since starting coaching with Megan, alhamdulilah, my life has been transformed. Through her patience, expertise and wisdom, she has helped me uncover and then deal with long-standing destructive beliefs about myself – beliefs which have only held me back. She has taught me crucial life skills and new, healthy ways to view myself and my challenges. I have now learned to forgive myself and am now moving on to greater heights. Coaching is an absolute must for every single person who wants to heal from past hurts. I thank Allah for sending Megan to me. InshaAllah she will continue to become a catalyst for others! – Raidah Shah, Australia

Internal Communication Network Series pt.2

By Megan Wyatt

Abdullah has a secret that no one knows about. His secret has been with him for years, but has been buried by time as life has passed by. A few times a week he finds himself helplessly indulged in a bad habit that he can’t stop. He sits with himself in rage and anger every week as he struggles to understand why he can’t change, and why this ever started to begin with. Clenching his fists against his forehead he wonders why logic isn’t more powerful than the monster he has created inside. Why can’t he stop when this intense feeling comes…..

Many people are helplessly caged into patterns of behavior that they do not understand, they can’t stop, or control. Whether it is you or someone close to you that has ever fallen into a negative habit they can’t stop, you know how much time and energy is consumed.

What would life be like if you could discover why it started to begin with and make a permanent change?

Everyone in Abdullah’s community saw him as a leader, a model example of what a Muslim should be. He was active in always creating new programs and projects that brought benefit to the Ummah. The harder he worked the more he fought feelings of worthlessness and loneliness inside. It seemed no matter what he accomplished, nothing was enough to support him in changing or feeling good about himself. After the high of an activity died off, he was left with himself…

The strong emotions that Abdullah was after feeling when he indulged in his habit turned out to be love.

You might be thinking, “love?” Yes, love.

When it comes to negative habits, it can be tricky to determine why someone keeps it up, or how it started to begin with. What Abdullah learned when he worked with a coach was that he was triggered to sink when he was feeling insecure of himself and looking for a way to feel certain that he mattered.

Despite all of his community projects, he wondered if he was valued because he mattered or simply because his projects mattered. Abdullah was searching for self worth, and ultimately, to be truly loved.

After working with his coach, he uncovered that his secret was the root of the whole pattern. Something had happened to him when he was 11, and as a result of this, he felt shameful and bad. He never told anyone, so no one ever had the chance to assure him that this wasn’t his fault, and this would not and should not determine how he feels about himself.

As a result, he believed that he was at fault, and that he wasn’t truly a good person, and was not a person of true worth, or else nothing would have happened. From this moment, his life became an endless search to truly matter. To be truly loved.

When someone gains this kind of clarity, they break the strongest link in the chain that has been weighing them down. For the first time in perhaps their whole life, a person can find a real solution to a real problem.

What his coach will do in the coming weeks is show Abdullah how to find love and worth, first within himself, and second from others in ways that are healthy and productive. He will be challenging this old belief, and as a result within a few months time, he is going to be a radically different person.

But what if he never gave himself that opportunity? Or what if you never allow yourself the chance to be brutally honest with what you are after in your life, and instead stick to negative habits?

First of all, you will continue to live life being weighed down.

Second, you will consume time and energy searching after something you will never find in the places you are looking.

Third, your Akhirah is at stake because you continue to do things you know are wrong, and lose time that could be spent fisibilillah.

Fourth, as is the case with many people, you will hurt or lose people close to you in your life.

Behind every habit there is an emotion, a feeling that you are searching for. When you can tune in to your Internal Communication Network, you will be able to decode what it is you are really wanting.

Here are 3 things you must do in order to learn how to decode your message:

1) Revolutionize how you think! Learn how to discover for yourself over and over again what your real feelings and emotions are. You can do this by working with a coach who will support you in gaining clarity first on what you want to change, and then teaching you skills you can apply the rest of your life. This is the fast track to change and continue to grow in your life.

2) Focus on your “trigger” point. Just before you fall into the habit you want to change, sit quiet for 3-5 minutes, and ask yourself “what is it I really want right now?” And ask it again and again until you know with precision what you are really after. Log down your answer. (The next step would be to ask yourself “How else can I find this feeling?”)

3) Take Responsibility. To change means to end the blame game. No matter what happens, no one else is responsible for your life except you. If something happened in the past, it was a catalyst for where you are today. But today is yours. Take FULL responsibility for where you stand, and you will unleash strength and energy that will fuel your ability to change.

**In the story of Abdullah, you will notice we never discovered what his secret really is. When you work with a coach, you also do not need to disclose specifics about events in your life. The power of coaching is that with or without details, your coach can show you how to move ahead starting today.**

For more information on Muslim men struggling with” haram secrets” such as pornography addictions, please visit www.imancipate.com, with trainer Zeyad Ramadan.

Mona is really angry with her children for screaming inside the grocery store. She snaps at them under her breath, and feels like, for the first time, hitting them on their hands. The more she scolds the children, the crankier they become, and their fighting with each other escalates, and so does her daughters shrieking. By the time they get home, everyone is angry, frustrated, and cranky.  She is fuming with anger. She sends her little children to their rooms, slams the door, and goes to the kitchen. Opening up the cupboard, she pulls out a bag of chips, starts munching, and sinks to the ground in exhaustion.

So many people waste, literally W-A-S-T-E time and energy in their life over emotions they can’t control, emotions they don’t even understand, and emotions that are freaking annoying more than anything else.

Females are supposed to be more “emotional” than males according to old wives’ tales, famous authors, and probably the president. (We could ask him, and spark some national debate!)

What women don’t understand is feeling a wide range of emotions does not equal being overrun by emotions. There is a huge difference, and for the sake, at least, of all the current husbands and future ones out there, it would be wise for women to take note.

“But how unfair, picking on the women…” I’m not picking on anyone. I am asking that women do what they do best: FEEL. Only feel with accountability.

Life can become unbearable if you play victim.  If negative emotions are running your life, or more than you would like, chances are you are not taking accountability for your life. Drowning in emotions seems so much safer than attempting to swim to shore. (The irony is amazing…)

So what is the solution? Female or not, emotions are messengers. Your job is to decode the message. For each emotion you feel on the surface, there is another one lurking below.

For Mona, a scenario like this happened over and over again. She would wind up tense and frustrated every time she went out with her children. She dreaded shopping or running errands with her kids.  After spending some time with a life coach Mona finally decoded the message.

Anger was a cover for deep shame and embarrassment . In her culture, if kids made noise in a public place, it was a sign that she was a bad mother. She was so worried that someone she knew would recognize her while she was out, and then judge her by the way her kids behaved. Never mind they were aged 4 and 5 ½, and a tough age to handle. Anger was the easiest emotion she could resource, and a well developed habit.

Can you imagine how many other places anger showed up in Mona’s life when she feared judgment or felt out of control?

Good news for Mona, is she is well on her way to being happier and less stressed. Not just with her kids, but her husband too!

So what about you? What happens if you don’t decode the message of your own emotions, male or female? The answer is that you will waste time, kill energy, and harm others close to you.

Spend a few hours, get a coach, and do yourself the favor of gaining an awesome understanding of the messages within your internal communication network.   And for the females, you can stay true to your nature of being emotional, only instead of negativity; you become a source of over flowing happiness, calmness, and serenity.

(*Side note – did you know men are incredibly attracted to a female who is expressing serene femininity* )

“Islam feels so hard to practice. I feel no matter how hard I try, I am going to be the people of Jahannum. It is so hard to be strong in high school…..”

“I really liked how you said that worship could be be going to the gym or doing homework…I have never heard that before…”

“I really am the person you described. I don’t believe in myself at all. How can I change that now….”

“You have really inspired me! I didn’t know that there is a career for Muslims who do what you do. I had cancer last year, and I now speak to people  who are diagnosed with cancer.  Is there a way for me to do that for Muslims….”

” I am in the category you described – people only motivated by money. I don’t want to have to ever ever rely on any man for money. This way I am always taken care of…… “

” I loved the exercise, but how can I ever figure out how to make this happen…”

“Your workshop was so inspiring! I never thought about all of this before……”

(comments from students)

I recently had the opportunity last Saturday to speak at UCLA’s Muslim College day, a program for Muslim high school students intended to offer them guidance, preparation, mentoring and inspiration for college. The event lasted all day, and I have to say I was impressed by the number of activities and workshops provided for the students, all developed and organized by the UCLA Muslim Student’s Association.

I did a workshop which geared towards helping the students clarify what they are passionate about and what inspires them. With this clarity, we formed a purpose statement.  As I spoke I wondered what was going through their heads. Was I reaching them, were they inspired?

After my workshop was finished, immediately a young brother came up to me with questions.  Soon after young sisters approached me with questions. Then there were 3 girls in the bathroom, outside at lunch, out in the courtyard. Every 10-15 minutes a different set of students approached me. Alhamdulellah, the workshop had gotten them interested and raised many questions for them.

As a youth speaker and mentor, I have always worked hard to present to the youth the fears and concerns I know they have inside of them before they have to ask. I want to create an environment where they feel validated, understood, and feel safe to express their deepest concerns and questions. Today’s Muslim youth are taught to think independently and challenge everything  based on the style of learning in the present educational system and the social environment that surrounds it; to formulate their own opinions and lifestyle. If we want to reach them and keep them close to the Deen, our methods of communication and presentation must peak their interest, and keeping the interest of an auditorium of Muslim youth who have enough electronic gadgets on them to entertain my children for a week straight is no small feat!

What I learned was that the same questions I ask adults, the same tools and exercises I do in my coaching is as needed if not more needed with our youth. And here is why.

There was 15 Mohammad* – who has a fear of failure in the Deen. He fears he will never make it to being a student of knowledge. He feels like he should give up.  What could be the result if that fear is left unchecked……how would it grow? Develop? Get stronger?

How about 17 year old Anisa* – who outwardly is beautiful, well spoken and I imagine makes friends easily, but feels she is not capable of working towards her dreams, who believes she isn’t good enough. What could be the results of this belief over the years….

There is 14 year old Ameena* – who is shy and lacks confidence in making friends and trying new activities, limiting herself from new experiences and happiness. How might this effect her decisions over the years….

In each scenario the following statement applies ” Practice does not make perfect, it makes permanence.” The more we “practice” certain behaviors, the stronger they become, and the pattern of results happens over and over again. As a coach, I help people attain those light bulb moments where they finally understand what has held them back all these years from true success in their lives. Most adults go back to a memory in their teenagers years where a negative belief or pattern begun.

Imagine if it could have been discovered then. And conquered then.

As one of the youth mentors there said in her email to me “I just wanted to express to you again how much I loved your presentation at college day. It really was great. I was particularly impressed by how you were able to get to the heart of the matter in such a short time! That is a skill I really need to master.”

I believe my work as a coach needs to reach a different generation insha’Allah……

*names changed from their original

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin–real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

I came across this quote and found that it echoed some of my own thoughts I’ve had the past few months. As I was contemplating the reasons why many of us are in a state of perpetual unhappiness or dissatisfaction, I began to think about how our expectations of this life are at the root of much of our misery. 

The quote says it perfectly: people are always waiting for the right moment to be happy, to fully feel alive, to live life to its fullest.

We are waiting for something else to happen so we can then  say “ah, now this is the  life I have been waiting for.”  But what is the cost of thinking like this? The cost are a range of emotions such as anxiety, worry, frustration, disappointment, resentment, and sadness. To focus on what “could be” allows us to delete all of the beautiful and amazing things that already exist.

Live in the now!You’ve heard this statement before, and as always, the greatest wisdom is the simplest.  I have heard many women say ”I can’t wait until I reach 40, because they say you won’t care as much about all the little things in life, but you will be able to focus more on what is important.” Elders often say, when asked what they would change looking back at life,  “I would have spent more time with my kids just playing, more time watching sunsets, forgave more easily, and more time absorbing all the moments of my life that were there, instead of chasing after the bigger and better.”

Why wait? Happiness is not something that is going to come. It is always present, and begs to be discovered everyday in your life. Happiness is hidden in the little things. The puffy white clouds in the sky, a friend who you can relax with, the taste of a sweet apple, a moment of clarity, sinking into your favorite chair, a funny email, discovering matching socks folded together, and the giggle of children.  No grand vacation, huge house, luxury sedan, or size 4 waist will help you notice the moments that make up a life of true living.

To top it all off, the most essential ingredient to happiness is to live a life that fulfills your Divine purpose: to worship Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala.

Ibn AlQayyim said

 ”Truly in the heart there is a sadness that can not be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him. And in it there is an emptiness that can not be filled except with love for Him and by turning to him and always remembering Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness.”

Get Happiness Now:

1) Ask yourself “What is one step I can take to get closer to Allah today?

2) Then Ask Yourself “What are 5 things I am grateful for in my life today?”

3) Imagine: If you were to take a vacation with those you love – what feeling are you seeking after the most? Now: Give yourself permission to make those feelings happen today instead. For example, I might say “I want to take a weekend trip with my kids to I can just focus on them without distractions and we can have quality time together.” Instead, I will focus on making “vacation” hour today, and see where it leads us…..

The old saying stands true “When life give you lemons, make lemonade!”

My personal quote these days.. “When life gives you a mountain of laundry, let the kids climb! Hey, at least I am encouraging their creative side. Little stuffed animals could make ”caves” in the mountain….and sleep there….and you know, sometimes for days… shh. Don’t disturb the sleeping lion….

One of the things I love about coaching is watching the transformation my clients make when they begin to realize that they really can reach some of their large goals they had once given up on.  It seems like a small shift at first, but the impact is massive. It starts with a belief, and like a seed in fertile ground, it begins to grow roots and sprout in no time.

I love working with people who feel that change is impossible. They know they need to make some changes, they know that certain goals are important to them, and the first thing that needs to happen is that they believe it is possible.  I help them do that part, and the pay off is tremendous happiness for me. What once seems impossible, quickly switched to likely!

To help you strengthen your own beliefs, I recommend the following exercise.

This is also useful to help you re-frame the success of someone else. Perhaps your husband wants to accept a new job, and you feel insecure about the path he is taking. Maybe your daughter wants to start a business, and you are unsure if she can handle it.  If someone else has shared their goal with you, they want your support.  You might think “there is no way this will work out,” and it may be true, IF it had been you pursuing the same goal. People are wired for success in different ways. Rather than insisting you are right, what would happen if you were to allow yourself to also create ways for them to succeed?

1) Write down your goal at the top of a piece of paper.

2) Think of 3 times in your life you were successful and did something you are proud of. What were the 2 qualities in your personality that made each of those possible.

3) Looking to your current goal: Now focus on those qualities. They are always with you – and this time is no different. What will happen to your goal when you apply them?

4) Make a list of 10 possibilities for you to be successful. Don’t worry if all of it sounds “realistic” because amazing things happen everyday. (If you are doing this for someone else’s goal, your worry will decrease or your feelings of insecurity will diminish when you can see all the  possibilities of success.)

My final question: What benefit do you get from not allowing yourself to see the possibility of success? How does it feel to say “In a perfect world, this could happen, but not in my life….” Blah. I’m not telling you to live in la-la land, but chances are you are not an equal-opportunity think tank. If things were 50-50 in chances, why ignore the other equal side of opportunity which is success?

If you are passionate about something, my best bet is you know very well you can achieve it, and the odds look more like 80-20.

 If you thought things could only be successful, imagine what actions you would take, feelings you would have, and experiences you would gain. Stop thinking, start believing, and take action. Failure doesn’t happen. Qadr may turn you down a different street, but you will still be driving and going forward! Enjoy the ride success brings, even if you have to drive through a storm cloud for awhile, sunshine awaits.

Ever have one of those days, where you wake up, feeling great, birds are singing, sky is blue (well…its almost always blue here in So-Cal, but beside the point!) and you are feeling super motivated about life and the goals you have in mind….

and then…

you start talking to people. Not just anyone, though. People who know what your goals are, your ideas, and so forth. They tend to be the people closest to us or those involved in our lives on a regular basis. And then it begins…a slow but continuous erosion of your motivation, confidence, energy. Before you know it, you are in a slump, thinking of sleep, and in a completely down and out mood.

What happened?

When other people criticize our ideas, we tend to get defensive and want to prove that we know exactly what we are doing. No one wants to find themselves later in the “I told you so” group. Yet how can you prevent the doubts and fears of others from becoming toxic to your own vision, and at the same time not ignore solid advice?

When others give you their “advice” and their forthright opinion, there are many elements in the mix. There could be their life experience and mistakes they are sharing. For example, someone preceded you in starting a similar business to you, or diet plan, and they share with you why it didn’t work for them. In this case, listen up, take notes, and come back to your mental map later and decide how you can use this information, if at all.

What is more common, though,  is that people will project their fears onto your plans. They have their own insecurities, fears of the unknown, jealousy, etc. They will bring up all the angles that can fail, while completely ignoring the other side of the fence, which are all the possibilities of success. This is incredibly draining for you as you attempt to tackle all of the possible “what ifs” out there. If we open THAT door, it will never close….

So, the question is, why do you get so down in the process? It may very well be that deep inside you also have your own insecurities about your vision, plans, and actions. You want to be right, but you aren’t sure you will be. So you take on the defensive, walk away feeling drained, and spend the day in a slump. Not my idea of productivity!

Here is what you can do instead:

1) Let people speak and get it out of their system. Let them share their thoughts, ideas, concerns, fears, worries. The more you let others speak, the faster it will become clear what the REAL issue is. (logic vs. emotional response, for example.)

2) Take note of the bits of information that increase your heart rate! Write them down, mentally log them away. Come back to them later, and examine them. What is it about those comments/facts/statements that bother you so much? Write out your answers so you can see what is going on inside. Is there truth to their statements which you need to consider, but earlier pride got in the way? If you have a solid vision, then a few comments should not be enough to shake you. Instead, you are open to considering all angles, taking into accounts all risks, and being prepared for them as well are being prepared for success.

3) Be flexible. Someone may show you a potential roadblock to your vision, but this doesn’t mean it all crashes there. You may need to find a new way, but there is, in most cases, many ways to get to your desitination!

4) Cut out toxic talk! If someone around you is consistently weighing you down, then make some new friends! Be with people who are high achievers, who can support you in your goals. Our community in DiscoverU is like that. A whole network of people who support each other, offer advice, and creativity to help everyone get to where they want to be. If you can’t cut that person out of your life, then minimize discussion as much as possible on the subject. If this can’t happen, then simply return to point number 1, and have patience.

5)  Remember to rely on Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, and have Ikhlas.  Real success in any endeavor comes from Him. It isn’t up to me, you, or anyone else to determine the success or failure of something. A sincere person should call on Allah for His assistance, to make things easy for them, and more importantly, to grant them a heart filled with Ikhlas so that no matter the outcome, there is goodness in it. This is the heart of the believer. It relaxes and is filled with tranquility upon the remembrance that it is Allah who takes care of all our affairs. All of them.

So dream big, make a plan, pray istikharah, make du’a, and move ahead!

What happens when we make decisions, conclusions, and create scenarios that are void of focusing on the pleasure of Allah and our place in the Akhirah?

The results is that we focus on fears, endless “what if ” scenarios,  and the opinions of others. We also will create an environment where we are looking for %100 perfection based on the OUR ideas, OUR planning, OUR actions. Even worse, we place conditions on our lives and others that create oppression, hurt, and are even haram.

What happened to the Islamic focus?

What I love about being a Muslim is that we have are supposed to live by the element of tawakkul. For any goal or vision you have, an essential ingredient is to have ultimate tawakkul on Allah.  As soon as the heart focusing away from this element, the heart falls into stress, anxiety, despair, worry,, and frustration.

We are promised that in this life we will be tested by Allah in so many various ways. No matter how perfect you plan your life, there WILL be a test. The hardest realization, though, is when you have taken your affairs into your own hands, and tried to control the outcome, and in the end, you were left to your own means by Allah, and as a result, the outcome was misery.

If you have a goal and a vision, and so long as it is not outside of the Islamic framework, then the only One to determine if it is not good is Allah, ‘azwjel. We do not know what is best for ourselves and for our Akhirah, and more than that, we do not know what is best for others. We stand alone on the Day of Judgment.

If you want to start a business, of course you want it to be successful. You should do your homework, collect all the necessary information, and then begin. But absolutely you MUST remind yourself that the success or “failure” of this business is NOT in your hands. It is in the hands of Allah. You are to do everything you can to make it successful, but also realize that Allah knows best.

We project our fears onto everything we do. Someone might say, “don’t start a business, because I have a friend who did the same thing, and it failed.” And I might as well never drive a car, because every 8 seconds someone is killed by a drunk driver. And that person, driving the car, also, thought they would be “different.”

This is the wrong focus. It is not the Islamic focus.

People may come and tell you your vision is wrong. Your idea isn’t good. It will fail. Others, even when they mean well, always think they know you better. Accept their concerns, and turn back to Allah. Turn back to Allah. Turn back to Allah.

So much of our anxiety and worry in our lives is due to us trying to control the outcomes of the world around us. As we say in America, “Let go, and let God.”  Relax. Allah will not leave you to yourselves if you ask Him.

What defines achieving a goal successfully? That is also a perception, because we do not know if the khair in something is the “success” of something or the “failure,” or something. What we do know is the follow hadith:

The Prophet said: “Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it”(Muslim).

Allah (swt) also says:

“…Then when thou hast taken a decision put they trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)” [EMQ 3:159]

So whatever you are seeking after, know that the final outcome is not as important as the PROCESS by which you got the outcome you were seeking. You are asked about your actions: not the outcome.

Do not lose the Islamic focus, however, at any moment.

As  a Muslim,  strive for Ihsan, and bring close to you that which helps you in your eeman, and move away from you that which harms it. Have a goal, use sound judgment, consult others, and then make a decision. After this have tawakkul. Have tawakkul. Have tawakkul.