“..My husband started drinking then, and became an alcoholic and abuser. During that hard time, I then got pregnant with my son, and that was a tough time. We all have  hard times. Financially, no money, no food, and I was pregnant. It was also a tough time. I was 19 or 20, with two kids, with no speaking English, I knew no one, no job, and an abusive husband.

In the daytime was two bottles of beer, and after that he would use heavy drink until midnight. He would come, beat me “why are you sleeping.”

Sometimes he kicked me  out on a rainy day, with a baby in my lap. Spending the night in the stairs…” – narrated by interview

I have had an amazing opportunity to interview different Muslim women from various backgrounds, searching for the experience, wisdom, and knowledge they have from their rich and vibrant lives. As with many people, we all have hardships, trials, and tests that has been sent our way.

One such sister, who’s story you just read at the top, moved me greatly. Her story is a tragic one, no doubt. At the same time, she has also become a success story, learning about herself, growing in her faith, and now being willing to share her story with others, specifically a group of teenage girls where she was interviewed, of her advice on living a better life. She remarried, has a wonderful husband, and now is a mother of  4 children masha’Allah.

When looking to write a post about this subject, I found within her story an answer I wanted so much to convey, so without edit, here is her reply when she was asked what is one thing in life she regrets:

“When my ex-husband was abusing me, I asked myself. “why I didn’t get help, call the police, why I kept letting him abusing me?” I never called the police, I never told anybody. When he beat me up, my face got scratchy. No one could see me, I put on a lot of make-up, And the neighbors couldn’t see me. And I asked “why did I do that? Why didn’t I call the police, and put him in jail?”

That is my culture. Muslim culture is (should be)  totally different. Listen to me. One day, you will  be married. If your husband abuses you one time, don’t be quiet. First call the family, and tell them, your son is abusing me. If he doesn’t listen, call the police on them. That’s why I am always thinking “why is he abusing me a lot and I didn’t call the police?”

Culture is good, but don’t let it lead to abuse. In my culture, we were told “whatever your inlaws, your husband say, you don’t say nothing. Don’t talk back to them, you must respect them no matter what they do.” This is always what our parents told us….

No, this is wrong. I don’t want this for my daughter. This is not ok, you must stand up… “

*********************

SubhanAllah. Many women will stay in an abusive marriage for years suffering because of culture. Their children watch and hear them get abused, if not getting abused themselves. The woman is a prisoner in her own home and she keeps handling this over and over again  – and the question for everyone is why?

In the survey I did, the “why” gets answered.

No matter the why, though, this woman I interviewed desires so much to not let anyone else go through years of abuse for a false notion of honor in the eyes of people. There are many factors that contribute to the difficulty of leaving an abusive marriage, and cultural expectations is one of them in the Muslim community.

(We will discuss others in future post insha’Allah)

Action Steps:

1) If you or someone you know is being abused, speak to someone you can trust. Find a close friend, an imam, a therapist, or someone in your family.

2) Remember: you can call the police – but they cannot help you if you don’t help yourself.  No matter who someone is, if they are physically harming you or your children, its a crime, its illegal, and its haram, but you hold the power in your hands and voice as to whether it continues or not.

3)  Never look down upon yourself. We all go through tests and tribulations, but you are still important to Allah, special, and belong to Him. Allah is always there for you, turn to Him, seek His support, and remember the famous hadith “Tie your camel and trust in Allah.” There is always an action to be taken on your side too.

4) Allow Islam to guide your decisions, and not culture alone.

(coming up insha’Allah – how children, finances, beliefs, and emotions hold women back from leaving an abusive relationship)

Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem

As’salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Next month in the United States is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  Insha’Allah before I plan a few posts and a program on this topic, I could use your help!

Below is the link for an ANONYMOUS survey to be taken about domestic violence. It has only 5 questions, and will take only 2 minutes insha’Allah.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE pass this on to others. My goal is to survey at least 1000 women so please help me in this endeavor!

Jazakum Allahu Khairan!!!

Click Here to take survey <—————————

Bismillah

I have this tendency to laugh or giggle in moments that are not necessarily happy, moments that should be serious. For example, I may be in a serious conversation, but giggle at the end of my phrases. For the first time ever I became aware of this when I was doing my coaching certification.  The other day I had a chance to become even more deeply aware of this trait and to discover what was underneath.

Many people suppress emotions without realizing it and as a result wear the face of many masks, but rarely allow their actions and expressions to match up their true and deepest emotions.

The result of doing this can lead to an endless list of issues. It could mean never learning how to open up and truly experience joy. It can create marital discord as one spouse or both are never able to articulate all of their deepest emotions leading to either a lack of intimacy or built up resentment. No matter which way you put it, not allowing ourselves to feel, truly feel, is cutting off an opportunity to be fully present in our moment. The message we send to ourselves internally is “Whatever I am feeling is wrong, and it must be stopped.” How we got that message is a different story, but through the years we have trained ourselves to force a response different then the real emotions present.

As I sat across from a teacher who teaches and heals in this amazing combination of holistic practice within the Sunnah, he asked me to slow down, to get in touch with the different physical sensations in my body, like my breathing and the placement of my hands.

I kept giggling quietly, feeling I could not stop. I apologized, telling him “I’m sorry, I can’t stop.”

With the same directness I usually dish out on my own coaching calls, he said “Yes you can. What would happen if you did not laugh?”

I paused, and said I am not sure. At that moment, almost at the same time his question came out of his mouth, I began to formulate the answer.

“You would cry.” he said confidently, yet softly.

And at that moment, I did indeed feel like crying.  Crying because I had come to explore something, to search for answers, and there was a sense of relief, of being understood and validated.

But I would not and could not cry. Because then I would be vulnerable.

I have coached countless sisters who have been in my shoes exactly. I have realized in my own self and hundreds of others that being vulnerable is one of the greatest risks we will ever take, and one of the most essential to living fully authentic and present in each moment.

Yet we are afraid to be vulnerable because somewhere in our lives we were hurt for “wearing our heart on our sleeves,” and as a result we changed.

Choosing to keep our feelings hidden, though, will bring about far greater consequences. Not just in our relationships, but even in our connection with Allah, ‘azawjel.

Allah knows, sees, and hears everything, and even with Him, we are afraid to share the contents of our heart, and make du’a from the deepest corners of our hearts.

How to Create Awareness of Your Emotions

1) If you happen to giggle and laugh to in strange moments – focus inwards and ask yourself “If I wasn’t laughing right now, what would I feel?”

2) When you are in a happy moment, ask yourself “Am I truly expressing my joy and happiness to its fullest level right now?”

3) When sad or hurt ask yourself “Am I letting someone close to me know exactly how I am feeling with no extra layers in between ?” so that you provide for them an opportunity to fix, support, love, or change.

No doubt, there is a balance that must be discovered between ourselves and people of what we will share of our innermost emotions. Yet at the same time we must learn that if any of our relationships are not where we want them to be, whether its with our children, spouses, parents, or friends, the very people we hold dear and the very people who should be a safe place to be vulnerable, then we must first look to ourselves to see how many masks we are wearing.

.

Bismillah

I’ll be speaking on a South African Radio Show today, insha’Allah And one of my favorite topics!! Tune in!

“Hijaab: Putting Things Into Perspective for Muslims Living as Minorities”

Joining is radio host and director of ILM-SA Fatima Asmal in a discussion with Imam Suhaib Webb,  Poet  Tazmin Mahomed, and myself insha’Allah.

Tune in at Noon PST. (3pm EST)

To go directly to this link and click on the “LISTEN LIVE” button on the left hand side of the page.  www.alansaar.co.za

Facebook Event details are here.

Screaming for Appreciation 

Internal Communication Network Series pt.3

By Megan Wyatt

“Why can’t you ever remember to do the things I ask you? All I wanted was for you to pick up a few things from the grocery store on your way home from work. How hard can that be? You remember meetings and phone calls, or emails you have to reply to day and night for your company, but when it comes to something I ask you, you always forget. I’m sick and tired of doing everything around here and you never helping out at all!” said Iman as her husband Farhan walked in the door empty handed from work.

“Ok OK…I will go and get the things now. “ he replied looking a bit stunned at her state of anger and frustration.

“That’s not the point! I don’t want you to go and get things now! Just forget it!!” And with that Iman stormed upstairs, and slammed her bedroom door, sobbing on the way.

“Fine….FINE!” Farhan screamed back at her, as he proceeded to throw down his briefcase, and head to the living room to turn on the T.V.  Their children looked up silently from a puzzle they had been doing on the floor, and knowing not to speak, they glanced at each other, and proceeded to work so that they didn’t get yelled for something too.

Many couples argue weekly, if not daily, over things that, while minor, are emotionally charged.

This could be your marriage, someone you know, or even the state of other relationships you have with your family members close to you.  What is great about this problem is that it has a solution. What may have seemed like a never ending slew of arguments and fighting can and will come to an end when you discover the true message behind the emotions being played out.

Part of understanding how your Internal Communication Network functions is to realize over and over again that your emotions are transmitting a very specific message to you. Most people are so wrapped up in the emotion, they aren’t able to quiet down and understand what is really going on inside.

Why is this so important? Because if you can’t understand what you really need beneath all the surface issues and feelings, then you will continue to use “surface” problems as a way to express what you most desperately want. The problem with this, of course, is that you are transmitting another message to your partner instead of the one your own emotions were transmitting to you. Talk about a communication break down!! No wonder it is so hard for people to get out of fighting!

Let’s look at the example of Iman and Farhan at the beginning. Both of them decided to work with a coach to figure out how to solve their fighting and constant disagreements. Home life was becoming unbearable, and as a result, tension seemed to increase as the week went by. By the weekend, they would have a huge fight, make up on Sunday, and things would start all over again.

What was going on?

Their coach had them each replay this argument in their minds, and asked them to consider what the real message was that each of them was feeling inside. It took a few minutes of questioning and digging, but after 22 minutes to the dot, the truth came out.

Iman’s internal message was that she didn’t feel appreciated or special. All of her complaining and arguing was a desperate attempt to be comforted and validated for how much work she put in running their home.  Every time her husband forgot something, she chose to translate that to mean he didn’t care about her as much as work. She imagined that if she were special and truly valuable, she would be at the top of his list each day, and never miss a beat with her. More specifically, she missed the moments where he couldn’t wait to talk to her or see her, and when she felt that, nothing else mattered.

Farhan’s internal message was that he didn’t feel appreciated or significant. Yup! Pretty much the same thing as Iman. After working so hard all day, he felt exhausted leaving the office. His mind felt drained, but on his ride home he cheered up looking forward to an evening with his wife and children. When he saw her angry at him, he felt completely disrespected and totally underappreciated for all the hard work he put in day in and day put to provide for his family. He missed the moments where he could walk in the door, see his wife’s smile, and then be willing to catch the moon for her if she asked.

The challenge they were given, after learning how to tune in to the message behind the emotions, was to spend the next two weeks aiming to share their real wants and needs instead of the scapegoat comments they usually threw between one and other.

The result was a 180 degree change. It took both of them being willing to let their ego and pride fall away, and as a result, their communication not only improved, but the smile on Iman’s lips returned, and the softness in Farhan’s eyes came back. Feelings of love, respect, and appreciation flowed.

Don’t forget to note the effect all of this will have on their children too.

If a person doesn’t take the time to learn more about themselves, and what is going on internally, then they may be setting themselves up for many disappointments down the road.

Here are three things you can do to utilize your Internal Communication Network!

1)      Make a daily commitment to let go of false pride and be vulnerable. In vulnerability there is true strength, so express your real needs and wants instead of hurting someone else and hoping they “magically” figure out what you really need.

2)      Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Give yourself the time to digest a feeling until you understand it. The payoff will save LOTS of time in the end.

3)      Accept. There are no bad feelings or emotions, only bad actions. Do not resist your own needs or wants, nor of your spouse’s no matter how “illogical” it sounds.  When you let go of resistance, you allow yourself to truly articulate the real message in your emotions.

For more information on how you can work with Coach Megan 1-on-1, email her directly at Megan@DiscoverULife.com

Ever since starting coaching with Megan, alhamdulilah, my life has been transformed. Through her patience, expertise and wisdom, she has helped me uncover and then deal with long-standing destructive beliefs about myself – beliefs which have only held me back. She has taught me crucial life skills and new, healthy ways to view myself and my challenges. I have now learned to forgive myself and am now moving on to greater heights. Coaching is an absolute must for every single person who wants to heal from past hurts. I thank Allah for sending Megan to me. InshaAllah she will continue to become a catalyst for others! – Raidah Shah, Australia

(For brothers email Coach Zeyad at Zeyad@DiscoverULife.com)

Abdullah’s Secret Habit

Internal Communication Network Series pt.2

By Megan Wyatt

Abdullah has a secret that no one knows about. His secret has been with him for years, but has been buried by time as life has passed by. A few times a week he finds himself helplessly indulged in a bad habit that he can’t stop. He sits with himself in rage and anger every week as he struggles to understand why he can’t change, and why this ever started to begin with. Clenching his fists against his forehead he wonders why logic isn’t more powerful than the monster he has created inside. Why can’t he stop when this intense feeling comes…..

Many people are helplessly caged into patterns of behavior that they do not understand, they can’t stop, or control. Whether it is you or someone close to you that has ever fallen into a negative habit they can’t stop, you know how much time and energy is consumed.

What would life be like if you could discover why it started to begin with and make a permanent change?

Everyone in Abdullah’s community saw him as a leader, a model example of what a Muslim should be. He was active in always creating new programs and projects that brought benefit to the Ummah. The harder he worked the more he fought feelings of worthlessness and loneliness inside. It seemed no matter what he accomplished, nothing was enough to support him in changing or feeling good about himself. After the high of an activity died off, he was left with himself…

The strong emotions that Abdullah was after feeling when he indulged in his habit turned out to be love.

You might be thinking, “love?” Yes, love.

When it comes to negative habits, it can be tricky to determine why someone keeps it up, or how it started to begin with. What Abdullah learned when he worked with a coach was that he was triggered to sink when he was feeling insecure of himself and looking for a way to feel certain that he mattered.

Despite all of his community projects, he wondered if he was valued because he mattered or simply because his projects mattered. Abdullah was searching for self worth, and ultimately, to be truly loved.

After working with his coach, he uncovered that his secret was the root of the whole pattern. Something had happened to him when he was 11, and as a result of this, he felt shameful and bad. He never told anyone, so no one ever had the chance to assure him that this wasn’t his fault, and this would not and should not determine how he feels about himself.

As a result, he believed that he was at fault, and that he wasn’t truly a good person, and was not a person of true worth, or else nothing would have happened. From this moment, his life became an endless search to truly matter. To be truly loved.

When someone gains this kind of clarity, they break the strongest link in the chain that has been weighing them down. For the first time in perhaps their whole life, a person can find a real solution to a real problem.

What his coach will do in the coming weeks is show Abdullah how to find love and worth, first within himself, and second from others in ways that are healthy and productive. He will be challenging this old belief, and as a result within a few months time, he is going to be a radically different person.

But what if he never gave himself that opportunity? Or what if you never allow yourself the chance to be brutally honest with what you are after in your life, and instead stick to negative habits?

First of all, you will continue to live life being weighed down.

Second, you will consume time and energy searching after something you will never find in the places you are looking.

Third, your Akhirah is at stake because you continue to do things you know are wrong, and lose time that could be spent fisibilillah.

Fourth, as is the case with many people, you will hurt or lose people close to you in your life.

Behind every habit there is an emotion, a feeling that you are searching for. When you can tune in to your Internal Communication Network, you will be able to decode what it is you are really wanting.

Here are 3 things you must do in order to learn how to decode your message:

1) Revolutionize how you think! Learn how to discover for yourself over and over again what your real feelings and emotions are. You can do this by working with a coach who will support you in gaining clarity first on what you want to change, and then teaching you skills you can apply the rest of your life. This is the fast track to change and continue to grow in your life.

2) Focus on your “trigger” point. Just before you fall into the habit you want to change, sit quiet for 3-5 minutes, and ask yourself “what is it I really want right now?” And ask it again and again until you know with precision what you are really after. Log down your answer. (The next step would be to ask yourself “How else can I find this feeling?”)

3) Take Responsibility. To change means to end the blame game. No matter what happens, no one else is responsible for your life except you. If something happened in the past, it was a catalyst for where you are today. But today is yours. Take FULL responsibility for where you stand, and you will unleash strength and energy that will fuel your ability to change.

For more information on how you can work with me 1-on-1, email me directly at Megan@DiscoverULife.com (For brothers email Coach Zeyad at Zeyad@DiscoverULife.com)

**In the story of Abdullah, you will notice we never discovered what his secret really is. When you work with a coach, you also do not need to disclose specifics about events in your life. The power of coaching is that with or without details, your coach can show you how to move ahead starting today.**

Internal Communication Network Series pt. 1

Mona is really angry with her children for screaming inside the grocery store. She snaps at them under her breath, and feels like, for the first time, hitting them on their hands. The more she scolds the children, the crankier they become, and their fighting with each other escalates, and so does her daughters shrieking. By the time they get home, everyone is angry, frustrated, and cranky.  She is fuming with anger. She sends her little children to their rooms, slams the door, and goes to the kitchen. Opening up the cupboard, she pulls out a bag of chips, starts munching, and sinks to the ground in exhaustion.

So many people waste, literally W-A-S-T-E time and energy in their life over emotions they can’t control, emotions they don’t even understand, and emotions that are freaking annoying more than anything else.

Females are supposed to be more “emotional” than males according to old wives’ tales, famous authors, and probably the president. (We could ask him, and spark some national debate!)

What women don’t understand is feeling a wide range of emotions does not equal being overrun by emotions. There is a huge difference, and for the sake, at least, of all the current husbands and future ones out there, it would be wise for women to take note.

“But how unfair, picking on the women…” I’m not picking on anyone. I am asking that women do what they do best: FEEL. Only feel with accountability.

Life can become unbearable if you play victim.  If negative emotions are running your life, or more than you would like, chances are you are not taking accountability for your life. Drowning in emotions seems so much safer than attempting to swim to shore. (The irony is amazing…)

So what is the solution? Female or not, emotions are messengers. Your job is to decode the message. For each emotion you feel on the surface, there is another one lurking below.

For Mona, a scenario like this happened over and over again. She would wind up tense and frustrated every time she went out with her children. She dreaded shopping or running errands with her kids.  After spending some time with a life coach Mona finally decoded the message.

Anger was a cover for deep shame and embarrassment . In her culture, if kids made noise in a public place, it was a sign that she was a bad mother. She was so worried that someone she knew would recognize her while she was out, and then judge her by the way her kids behaved. Never mind they were aged 4 and 5 ½, and a tough age to handle. Anger was the easiest emotion she could resource, and a well developed habit.

Can you imagine how many other places anger showed up in Mona’s life when she feared judgment or felt out of control?

Good news for Mona, is she is well on her way to being happier and less stressed. Not just with her kids, but her husband too!

So what about you? What happens if you don’t decode the message of your own emotions, male or female? The answer is that you will waste time, kill energy, and harm others close to you.

Spend a few hours, get a coach, and do yourself the favor of gaining an awesome understanding of the messages within your internal communication network.   And for the females, you can stay true to your nature of being emotional, only instead of negativity; you become a source of over flowing happiness, calmness, and serenity.

(*Side note – did you know men are incredibly attracted to a female who is expressing serene femininity* )

**To lean how you can be personally coached by Megan Wyatt email her directly at Megan@DiscoverULife.com **

Bismillah

For those who have inquired about coaching from me and delaying to take action;  I urge you to delay no more!

With limited hours during the summer (kids are home in the summer, of course more time must be spent with them!) I am taking only a select number of clients.

If you want to get life in gear, especially before Ramadan arrives, insha’Allah, then email now on information for 1-0n-1 coaching.

Recent Coaching Testimonials:

My coach came to me at a time when I was really stressed out with the things piling up in my life. Megan put things into perspective for me, she made me realize things that I was ignoring and neglecting in my life. After my session filled with silent tears and hardcore reflections, I felt so much better and more driven to make these changes in my life. It made me ready to battle the issues that were stressing me out and helped me realize how to do so and how to mentally change the negative things around me and helped me put into focus the ways to go by changing them. Sometimes this coaching system may seem foreign to some of us, but walahi a 30min session alone will do wonders for you, its important to have someone take a second look at the things that are going on in your life, to help you put into focus what yours goals are and how to achieve it and most importantly what is hindering you from getting there. May Allah reward my coach with everlasting happiness and a home in Jannatul Firdous  Ameen “- Asha Abdi, California  Ameerah for Qabeelat Haadi/Full time student

Ever since starting coaching with Megan, alhamdulilah, my life has been transformed. Through her patience, expertise and wisdom, she has helped me uncover and then deal with long-standing destructive beliefs about myself – beliefs which have only held me back. She has taught me crucial life skills and new, healthy ways to view myself and my challenges. I have now learned to forgive myself and am now moving on to greater heights. Coaching is an absolute must for every single person who wants to heal from past hurts. I thank Allah for sending Megan to me. InshaAllah she will continue to become a catalyst for others! – Raidah Shah, Australia

Bismillah

For the first time in what seems like years I felt a need to breakaway from being super connected with the world. I lost my cell phone, and frankly, I didn’t miss it with very few exceptions. I checked email only once a day. I went on a hike with someone I love, climbed up a small waterfall, took a deep breath, and breathed.

It felt awesome!

It has been some time since I posted on my coaching blog. Where did I disappear to?

I went to a place many of you have gone to before and many of you need to visit. A quiet place where you can refocus your life before Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, realign your priorities, forgive, and find an inner balance.

When life begins to feel overwhelming, it’s a sign that your priorities are out of line. For Muslims, chances are, it means you have forgotten your true purpose in this dunyah: to be an ‘abd of Allah, to seek His Pleasure, and to accept His decree, and strive to travel on this journey to your real LIFE. The entrance to that eternal place means the exit on this path, where we depart.

Finding balance is essential to living a happy, productive life.

Stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, and negativity are a fast track to bad health, problems in your relationships with those around you, and a spiritual low.

Sometimes, though, we don’t know where to begin to get our balance back.

Here are few things you can do to get you started:

1) Take time for you: you must give yourself some time to nurture yourself in a way that allows you to feel rested, energetic, creative, and positive. YOU CAN’T GIVE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE!

2) Make a list of 5 things that you would feel sooooo releived to get done! Errands, washing the car, cleaning out your closet…whatever it is. Make the list, share it with your family or a friend, and clear time to do it! Commitment will = a huge payoff!

3) Think about the ender of pleasure; death. This will quickly allow you to shift focus to the things which will restore your inner balance faster and better than anything else out there.

4) Forgive, forgive, forgive. When you forgive others, you allow yourself to grow as a person. When you forgive yourself, you allow yourself to be less the perfect, to relax, and smile more.

Sounds so easy? It actually is, and there is nothing wrong with that! Remember: you are accountable for your own happiness in this life.

For more Information on how 1-0n-1 coaching can support you in finding balance, and support to reach your goals email me at Megan@DiscoverULife.com